My emotions are suffering from an up and down mania lately. I'm not manic depressive, but a frustrating combination of pregnant and having four long term guests in my house right now.
Weekends are a blissful quiet time with husband and son since we have our house temporarily again. Monday arrives, bedlam ensues. Frustration begins and it was as if the weekend never existed. The basement door slams 20 times and 4 hours of leisurely reading are erased. A high pitched voice creeps into my bedroom solitude and a lazy pancake breakfast is rendered useless. Too many bodies in the kitchen while making supper eclipses the wonderful smell of baking German apple cake.
Another emotion - guilt. I feel guilty for even writing this. Who would complain when a family member is in need? But the devil says, "Is there really a realistic need?" And then, "What kind of a person am I anyway?"
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Obsessive
I am obsessed with thinking. I always have been. My mind is irrevocably drawn to examine every facet of every experience that comes my way.
Sometimes it is useful. In solving problems of a pen and paper variety it is indispensable. In teaching chemistry, critical examination is crucial. Some of my intelligence is linked to this trait and it’s why I love to learn new things. In the process of learning, my wayward mind has something new and useful to examine.
Sometimes it is downright stressful. Yesterday I was rushing to a lecture and I exceeded the speed limit. A police officer with a radar gun pulled me over. Ten minutes later I was an additional 10 minutes late for class and crushed that I had a $280 ticket and a one week license suspension. Since then I’ve mulled…okay dissected…the experience from the time when I hurriedly left my sick son at home to telling my husband our bank account will be $300 lighter. What help could this be? Aside from digesting the lesson learned, I am just being obsessive.
In yoga, it is called attachment, attachment to those things that we cannot change. It uses up prana (energy) and causes additional stress beyond the experience itself. Realizing and admitting you a problem is the first step to solving it. Attempts at nipping these thoughts in the bud have proved unsuccessful. Perhaps decreasing the thought grinding by even one minute a day is the key. In all things, there is a balance. Finding that balance will be a long journey.
Sometimes it is useful. In solving problems of a pen and paper variety it is indispensable. In teaching chemistry, critical examination is crucial. Some of my intelligence is linked to this trait and it’s why I love to learn new things. In the process of learning, my wayward mind has something new and useful to examine.
Sometimes it is downright stressful. Yesterday I was rushing to a lecture and I exceeded the speed limit. A police officer with a radar gun pulled me over. Ten minutes later I was an additional 10 minutes late for class and crushed that I had a $280 ticket and a one week license suspension. Since then I’ve mulled…okay dissected…the experience from the time when I hurriedly left my sick son at home to telling my husband our bank account will be $300 lighter. What help could this be? Aside from digesting the lesson learned, I am just being obsessive.
In yoga, it is called attachment, attachment to those things that we cannot change. It uses up prana (energy) and causes additional stress beyond the experience itself. Realizing and admitting you a problem is the first step to solving it. Attempts at nipping these thoughts in the bud have proved unsuccessful. Perhaps decreasing the thought grinding by even one minute a day is the key. In all things, there is a balance. Finding that balance will be a long journey.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Missed Opportunities?
While on vacation in Newfoundland recently, I stumbled upon two sailing opportunities. One was aboard the Tall Ship Caledonia as a crew member. A security guard informed me they were looking for experienced sailing crew while I was longingly gazing at the docked ship. Having sailed as a working crew on the Tall Ship Alvei for 2.5 months and add to that a lifelong love for sailing vessels and the sea, I thought I might fit the bill. A few days later, an ad appeared in the local paper for crew on a sailing yacht headed for the tropics. The necessary qualifications topped out at the ability to distinguish a halyard from a sheet. I could do that!
So why am I not giddy from standing on the bowsprit as the bow breaks through the waves with the wind blowing my hair and the salt spray and sunshine stinging my eyes? Two reasons that go hand in hand: family and love. My dear toddler son and my best friend, my husband. Leaving them for weeks at a time would be unbearable. As a teenager I dreamed of living aboard my own sailboat with no ties to land to hold me back. Now I realize how much I would have missed in life had this became my calling. The giggle of my munchkin, a hug from my husband atop a mountain, fresh peas and beans from my garden and much more.
Today I have the house to myself since this is munchkin's day at his day home and my husband is at work. Plenty of time for thought of missed opportunities or are they really missed? For a split second, I wonder what it would be like to cast off repsonsibility and live a life of sailing the seas. But just for a split second. Though I may yearn for the feel of the rolling seas beneath my feet, I made the choice of love and family. I know they will provide many warm memories and hugs that will sustain my spirit. And I know it is the right choice for more reasons than can be numbered.
So why am I not giddy from standing on the bowsprit as the bow breaks through the waves with the wind blowing my hair and the salt spray and sunshine stinging my eyes? Two reasons that go hand in hand: family and love. My dear toddler son and my best friend, my husband. Leaving them for weeks at a time would be unbearable. As a teenager I dreamed of living aboard my own sailboat with no ties to land to hold me back. Now I realize how much I would have missed in life had this became my calling. The giggle of my munchkin, a hug from my husband atop a mountain, fresh peas and beans from my garden and much more.
Today I have the house to myself since this is munchkin's day at his day home and my husband is at work. Plenty of time for thought of missed opportunities or are they really missed? For a split second, I wonder what it would be like to cast off repsonsibility and live a life of sailing the seas. But just for a split second. Though I may yearn for the feel of the rolling seas beneath my feet, I made the choice of love and family. I know they will provide many warm memories and hugs that will sustain my spirit. And I know it is the right choice for more reasons than can be numbered.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Sun on the water
Kayaking on the lake this morning was divine. Munchkin sat in the bow of our little Perception Prodigy 10 facing me. I had to learn a slightly different paddling technique so I didn't hit the little hands that dipped in the water now and then. (Image at left is sans munchkin on a similar day)It was an utterly calm day with the sun blazing off the water. We spied our local duck family swimming and then fluttering away. The ducklings are barely discernable from momma duck now. I'm eternally humbled by the beauty of nature. Ducklings, the sound of toads, sun on the water, trout jumping, new wildflowers poking their heads out, it goes on and on...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Clothing optional Chapters
Clothing optional Chapters is not my secret desire, but a dream I had a few nights ago. It was bizarre and I'm sure Freudian analysts could make a whole realm of odd subverted sexual themes out of it. I was browsing in Chapters and noticed that about half the customers were naked. Oddly, with no surprise, I thought that the company must have switched to clothing optional instead of mandatory. I continued my shopping and then the dream switched to a written spelling exam which was taking place inside Chapters. But that's a whole other dream. These dreams were preceded by a long involved espionage and action packed adventure dream.
My husband thinks I'm a bit weird since I had three long and bizarre dreams in one night. My answer is he probably has similar dreams but doesn't remember them. I've always remembered mine and used to be able to control their direction - flying, swimming underwater and the like. I lost this ability with adulthood but my dreams are still vivid - the nice ones and the nightmares.
My husband thinks I'm a bit weird since I had three long and bizarre dreams in one night. My answer is he probably has similar dreams but doesn't remember them. I've always remembered mine and used to be able to control their direction - flying, swimming underwater and the like. I lost this ability with adulthood but my dreams are still vivid - the nice ones and the nightmares.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Hummingbirds really do exist!
Yes, hummingbirds do really exist! I was enlightened by this fact today. Until now, I've maintained that they are figments of people's over active imagination. About five years ago, my husband claimed to have spotted one in the Canadian Rockies while I was conveniently in the bushes seeing to other calls of nature. This week my husband again informs me he caught sight of one on my rhododendron. While doing the dishes on another night, he called me to the kitchen in a voice that caused me to believe he was on fire. Apparently, there was a ruby throated hummingbird feasting on the lobelia in my window box. Alas, by the time I arrived, I caught a glimpse of something small (a bee?) winging away. So I was adamant that the dainty birds were akin to the sasquatch. While I was at work last night, my husband caught this video to prove their existence.
An auspicious day must have dawned this morning. While enjoying a salad for lunch, out of the corner of my eye I caught something small and swift move past the window. I rushed to the window and there was a hummingbird hovering next to our feeder. It was a magnificent sight. Throughout the afternoon, I watched her (female by coloring) return several times to my flower bed and feeder.
But the absolute highlight occurred this evening. Both of us were in the front yard and a male ruby throated hummingbird alighted on my geranium. We stood statue still and watched. While making his way to the feeder he noticed that I was standing next to it. He abruptly halted in midair about 2 feet in front of me and we gazed at each other for about 5 seconds. I could hear his wings humming! This ranks right up there with my grizzly bear encounter for spectacular wildlife adventures. After ascertaining that I was not hostile and not a flower (probably thought I was a post) he continued to the feeder for dessert. I will remember this day for a long time and can now admit the error of my ways. Hummingbirds do exist and they are marvelous to behold.
An auspicious day must have dawned this morning. While enjoying a salad for lunch, out of the corner of my eye I caught something small and swift move past the window. I rushed to the window and there was a hummingbird hovering next to our feeder. It was a magnificent sight. Throughout the afternoon, I watched her (female by coloring) return several times to my flower bed and feeder.
But the absolute highlight occurred this evening. Both of us were in the front yard and a male ruby throated hummingbird alighted on my geranium. We stood statue still and watched. While making his way to the feeder he noticed that I was standing next to it. He abruptly halted in midair about 2 feet in front of me and we gazed at each other for about 5 seconds. I could hear his wings humming! This ranks right up there with my grizzly bear encounter for spectacular wildlife adventures. After ascertaining that I was not hostile and not a flower (probably thought I was a post) he continued to the feeder for dessert. I will remember this day for a long time and can now admit the error of my ways. Hummingbirds do exist and they are marvelous to behold.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Birthdays vs Deathdays
Today is or would have been my dad's birthday. He has been missed for over four years now since he died from cancer. I should rejoice in his birthday since it gave him and thus, me, life. Ironically, I feel more melancholy than reminiscent fondness.
I can't help but remember what I was doing when a call told me he had passed on and the long, arduous day that ensued. I still feel like something integral to me is missing. I had a wonderful dad for most of my life and now there's a space that hurts when I try to fill it with memories instead of real life connections. Rather than dwelling on the empty space, I urge myself to focus on those memories. The way he would size up a problem for hours until he figured it out. The boy-like grin and blue twinkle of his eyes when spinning a yarn (the same expression of amusement my son has when into mischief). I still can't help but shed a few tears (something he never approved of in his old traditional ways) when I think that my son will never know first hand how special he was.
We moved across the country to be closer to family who are now within a day's journey rather than several days. Unfortunately, days like today still makes it seem like they are an eternity away. Hugs to my mom and siblings. We miss you dad.
I can't help but remember what I was doing when a call told me he had passed on and the long, arduous day that ensued. I still feel like something integral to me is missing. I had a wonderful dad for most of my life and now there's a space that hurts when I try to fill it with memories instead of real life connections. Rather than dwelling on the empty space, I urge myself to focus on those memories. The way he would size up a problem for hours until he figured it out. The boy-like grin and blue twinkle of his eyes when spinning a yarn (the same expression of amusement my son has when into mischief). I still can't help but shed a few tears (something he never approved of in his old traditional ways) when I think that my son will never know first hand how special he was.
We moved across the country to be closer to family who are now within a day's journey rather than several days. Unfortunately, days like today still makes it seem like they are an eternity away. Hugs to my mom and siblings. We miss you dad.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Buds of Spring
Spring is my favourite time of the year. My languorous body is rejuvenated by the energy springing forth all around me.
I live on an acre lot outside the city and the wooded areas are still completely natural. Every day, my toddler son (munchkin) and I walk up our driveway to the mailbox and back down through the trees. A brisk walker could accomplish it in 4 or 5 minutes but we take 15 to 30 minutes. Munchkin stops to examine and grab a handful of clay here and there dirtying his hands and giggling at my half-hearted disapproval. I take joy in every new petal opened on a patch of bluets and may flowers (above). Munchkin stops to eye a grackle cackling in the trees. I revel in the appearance of a new bud on a willow shrub that I've walked by every day. Munchkin stares agape as a school bus rumbles by on the road. I gauge the progress of the three robins building nests under our garage eaves.
Writing this, I perceive a divergence of focus between munchkin and myself. I am transfixed by all the new life emerging in the aftermath of a long Canadian winter. On the other hand, to munchkin everything is new, including the traffic and the dirt I ignore. A child's curiosity can open your eyes and make even the most mundane pile of dirt fascinating in its own way. Granted, I will still spend most of my time admiring the nodding yellow and blue smiles of bluets (right) rather than the gravel on our driveway.
I live on an acre lot outside the city and the wooded areas are still completely natural. Every day, my toddler son (munchkin) and I walk up our driveway to the mailbox and back down through the trees. A brisk walker could accomplish it in 4 or 5 minutes but we take 15 to 30 minutes. Munchkin stops to examine and grab a handful of clay here and there dirtying his hands and giggling at my half-hearted disapproval. I take joy in every new petal opened on a patch of bluets and may flowers (above). Munchkin stops to eye a grackle cackling in the trees. I revel in the appearance of a new bud on a willow shrub that I've walked by every day. Munchkin stares agape as a school bus rumbles by on the road. I gauge the progress of the three robins building nests under our garage eaves.
Writing this, I perceive a divergence of focus between munchkin and myself. I am transfixed by all the new life emerging in the aftermath of a long Canadian winter. On the other hand, to munchkin everything is new, including the traffic and the dirt I ignore. A child's curiosity can open your eyes and make even the most mundane pile of dirt fascinating in its own way. Granted, I will still spend most of my time admiring the nodding yellow and blue smiles of bluets (right) rather than the gravel on our driveway.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Dreaming of Mysore
I sometimes dream of going to Mysore. Mysore, India, that is, the home of the Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute. I have been an Ashtanga practitioner off and on for the last six years. I feel better when it's an 'on' time and have been trying maintain a daily practice for the last few months.
While in savasana (rest pose) today, I thought again of Mysore and my longing to go there. A realization came: I was hoping that study in India would guarantee a daily practice. This is not the way to do so. Endeavouring to practice daily is my responsibility not someone else's.
Today's practice started out short with 5 surya namaskara As and 3 Bs. A club sandwich followed, something else I've been longing for but totally unrelated to yoga.
SeaStar
While in savasana (rest pose) today, I thought again of Mysore and my longing to go there. A realization came: I was hoping that study in India would guarantee a daily practice. This is not the way to do so. Endeavouring to practice daily is my responsibility not someone else's.
Today's practice started out short with 5 surya namaskara As and 3 Bs. A club sandwich followed, something else I've been longing for but totally unrelated to yoga.
SeaStar
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